Feedback Strategies
My fear of criticism and feedback started in the 3rd grade. Mrs. Greenwitch (I swear that was her name) looked me in the eye after staring at my painting I asked her to look at, and said "Would you like me to tell you the truth?". Me being naive of course wanted my Teacher to tell me the truth, but little did I know that was going to lead to her saying "This is not good", me hiding my tears in class, and secretly throwing away the picture when no-one was looking. She truly lived out the name "Greenwitch", she was indeed a Witch to any 8 year old girl at that point. Now you're probably thinking I made that story up, but I swear on my life it happened. Ever since that moment I never am satisfied with my work, I definitely don't draw, and I always tell myself someone won't like something I do so if I am criticized I already prepared for the worst. My fear of feedback all started when I was 8 years old with a teacher who probably doesn't even remember my name, but I will never forget hers. The two articles 14 Signs Your Perfectionism Has Gotten Out Of Hand and Criticizing praise perfectly explain how I feel about feedback today.
So theres me the story of my worst feedback, but what do I gather from that experience? My anxiety and doubt over my performance all started because of a painting I had made of a deer by a river and a sunset (yep. Even remember the picture). Did it probably look bad? Yeah, but does any 8 year old really paint a good picture? No, they all pretty much suck compared to Picasso. But telling me my picture was not good wasn't where G-Witch lady went wrong. She went wrong when right before she praised my best friend sitting next to me. Thats where I love the article Criticizing Praise. It was at 8 years old that I unintentionally learned praises were given based on value of work. Brenna's work was of value, so she got praised. Mine on the other hand was seen as a painting with less value and I was criticized. So, ergo, if I want to be praised I just need to have work someone sees has value. Maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have been as upset had I not overheard her telling multiple students how great their work was before learning mine wasn't, and if she would have given me feedback in a less humiliating way preferably not in front of my entire table like she did.
My most productive feed back happened this past summer when I was evaluated for my job at Camp. Leading up to the ' exit eval' I was terrified. What if deep down my boss actually hated me and I was doing all the wrong things, but she never told me? I would have failed at my job the whole summer and never had known until I couldn't change her mind. Before the interview even began she looked me right in the eyes and said "Why are you so scared for this?" and I cried (theres the crying over spilled milk theory from the article). I told her I didn't want to fail and that lead into a counseling session about my need to please people (#1 in the article). She had to remind me that a 4/5 was still great (and as you probably guessed, this is also in the article). Lizzy gave me one of the best moments of feedback because she didn't tie my behavior to who I was. She negated that lie before I could even tell myself it was. The entire time I was getting the feedback she told me it was to ensure that my leadership continues to grow, not because I had failed at my job.
So when giving feedback I recommend 1) Making it about a physical behavior and not tying it to who the person is. Give them the good ole compliment sandwich by saying a good thing they did at the beginning and the end and then hiding the one that needs improvement in the middle. If you only give them negative feedback they may be like me and freak out. 2) Don't embarrass the person in front of a ton of people. That hurts their pride, and really has no place. If you do that you're not thinking about whats best for that person!
Now you're probably thinking.. "Holy crap. I don't want to give feedback to this woman! I'm going to destroy her life if I say ______". But don't be! I handle feedback a whole lot better now than I did at 8 years old, because I see it as a way of improving my work. I'm not perfect and I never will be. I'm fully aware that my perfectionism has gotten out of hand! So give me feedback, and help me learn how to apply feedback and take it in! Happy commenting and feedback-ing:)
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